It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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