i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
