new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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