Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize