trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
