ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
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