Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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