You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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