and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i dont even know how to be here
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
