I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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