I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
