There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
