my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
