My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize
