The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
