You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
well you can't waste a boner
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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