I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
