Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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