I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
