I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
