i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i came on her dog
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
