Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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