seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
