I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
