We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
