I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize