I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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