Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
