I wish my penis had an off switch
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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