last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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