So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
