The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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