U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
