OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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