So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
