well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
