I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
