If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize