i just wanna soil my oats bro
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
