I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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