After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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