Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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