Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
