I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
