I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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