I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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