I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
