I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry my hands just texted you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
