He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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