I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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