you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
