please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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