Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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