Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
